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RAMON PRESSON: I received a legal notice from the Tooth Fairy

RAMON PRESSON: I received a legal notice from the Tooth Fairy

On Saturday I chomped down on some barbecue and one of my lower molars found a small hidden piece of bone.

To my dismay, in the battle between enamel and bone, enamel lost; and a large fragment of my tooth broke off which I retrieved.

This tooth had been the subject of debate with my dentist just a month ago, he wanting to cap the “compromised tooth” with a crown. A compromised tooth is a serious charge which led to this brief and testy exchange:

Dentist: I want the TOOTH!

Ramon: You can’t HANDLE the tooth!

OK, well that’s how I remember the conversation.

The tooth, the whole tooth, and nothing but the tooth

I did some online research and learned that the Tooth Fairy is currently paying an average of $3.25 per tooth. I recall the Tooth Fairy only giving me a paltry 25 cents for a
tooth when I was a kid. I assume that 3 bucks is an adjustment for inflation and a rise in parental incomes since the 1960s.

So after calling my dentist’s after-hours hotline to schedule an emergency appointment for early this next week, I placed the recovered tooth fragment in a sandwich baggie and tucked it under my pillow before going to bed sedated by Ibuprofen.

The next morning I found the following document under my pillow:

The Tooth Fairy

International Tooth Redemption Center
2411 Dental Dreams Drive
Molars, Wisconsin 54313

Dear Mr. Presson,

Our inspectors at the ITRC quickly identified the item placed beneath your pillow on 12/15/18 to not be a child’s baby tooth, but in fact is a 50+ year old adult tooth fragment. Remnants of an old filling provided an easy clue and confirmed the carbon dating results. Mr. Presson, you are hereby notified that this case is being forwarded to our fraudulent claims department. Our records indicate that this is your second attempt to receive compensation from the Tooth Fairy by deceptive means. On 4/19/10 you placed several Tic Tac mints under your pillow in a failed attempt to receive compensatory funds.

Mr. Presson, as you are now classified as a repeat offender you have been moved to our Level 2 Watch-List. Note that you can expect to be contacted by our legal department within the next 30 days. You are advised to seek legal representation for yourself.
Merry Christmas!
The Tooth Fairy

I hereby can vouch that the Tooth Fairy is real … and does not have a sense of humor. I’m counting on Santa being real also because I just edited my Wish List to include a
LOT of cash.

Ramon Presson, PhD, is a licensed marriage and family therapist in Franklin ( and the author of several books. Reach him at r[email protected]. To read Presson’s previous columns go to

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